In the early naughties Andy Serkis opened the debate on CGI acting by performing as Golem in Lord of The Rings. Many critics wanted to see him win an Oscar for best supporting actor but this raised the question over how much of his appearance was the actor and how much was Russian interference or an Iranian hack. Would we really allow foreign interference determine who should win our Oscars?

One of the big questions was how far would CGI go or to put it bluntly at what point would too much CGI ruin the film industry. Well Tom Hooper answers this by introducing Cats the movie. This is the moment where CGI damned itself for all eternity.

​That said to blame CGI as the sole reason for this nightmare inducing catastrophe would be entirely unfair. Quite frankly whoever thought making this movie was a good idea needs a reality check and a new career, sure it's got some tasty ingredients but it's a very bad recipe that turns out to be completely indigestible.

There are professionals involved in this movie that should have refused to take part and refused to sing and refused to deliver bad lines and most of all to have refused to simulate furry cat masturbation.

The sun is dead, Judi Dench needs to publicly apologize for singing, and Taylor Swift needs to accept that she's nothing more than a cheap Instagram influencer who conned people into buying a product that does humanity more harm than good.

Growing up I never dreamed of being a cat so going into this my expectations were low but I had high hopes that I would enjoy the merry adventure. However this is one fantasy that takes you nowhere but makes you want to leave everywhere.

It's a Frankenstein imagining of Dr Moreau's island where the plot is about animal DNA infused bi-humans competing on the cat xfactor for the prize of being ritually sacrificed for the chance to be reborn, like a bad berocca boost ad that subliminally promises to fix an incurable hangover but leaves you questioning life.

The movie was a complete letdown, it was as seasonal as a dull Christmas cracker joke instead of being the contender for a week long talking point special on the Niall Boylan show, the controversial bizarre bitchfest that it should have been.

No one has the magic to rescue this movie, not Jason Derulo, not Mr MakeItStopPlease, not Gandalf, nor Jennifer Hudson - despite some suggestions. This entire movie is a car crash with dead bodies everywhere. The big screen performance of 'Memory' is like the emergency wheel in the boot that remains intact, but to suggest that spare parts are a redeeming feature is sick and inhumane.

What ever could have been rescued is killed off by CGI capitalism that unrepentantly stabs any artistic presence this movie could have had through the eye with a poisoned corkscrew. Universal studio should do a full recall of Cats and put the film reels in a vault that no human can ever unlock. Don't see it, don't think about it, never tell your children what happened.

Matt Damon’s Flashback saga continues with the straightforward title ‘Jason Bourne’.

Being a huge fan of the last four, yes all four, movies I couldn’t believe it when I heard this was in the pipeline. Looking back on how the original film single handedly reshaped the Bond franchise, or how spy movies became more mysterious and gritty in the 21st century, all thanks to an agent who couldn’t remember his name, I was sure this long anticipated Bourne instalment would take things to a new level faster than Keanu Reeves could fuck with the matrix.

But like most movies you look forward to seeing these days it was a complete let down. What made the previous Bourne movies such superior flicks was their edgy realism, a factor this chapter completely sidestepped. From the very opening and right through this film you can’t help but think, ‘wow, that was lame, was that meant to be a fight scene, you know he was impressive in Behind the Candelabra – wonder if he’s going to return to acting anytime soon’.

The plot is terrible to begin with, it factors in a very topical issue on cyber security compromising personal freedom, but then fails to really do anything with it or make a meaningful statement. It fails to build on a central character, Aaron Kalloor, with any real depth which is probably the biggest let down in the movie. The character Aaron Kalloor could have evolved the espionage element of the entire series by demonstrating the level of intelligence government agencies now have at their disposal, and perhaps make further assertions on how this information is gathered, collated and processed.

Regardless the Aaron Kalloor fiasco was a mere sub plot to the main storyline of Bourne crying over premature orphanism not unlike ‘Skyfall’s whingefest, which further disheartened the now growing feeling that this Bourne film was nothing more than a late cash in on an epic franchise.

Further tiresome moments included Bourne once again getting help from inside the agency from the lead female character, a ridiculous clichéd ploy to equate youthful femininity with an innate sense of good moral judgement. What’s even more aggravating is how polarised everyone in the movie is, there is so little dynamic in the agency after four movies, you’re either in complete shit and the only way out of the dog house is by killing Jason Bourne, or your an intern who has access to more Treadstone e-mails than Hillary Clinton and you decide to commit treason by dropping Bourne some breadcrumbs to get him out of harm’s way.

Another burnout factor is that you’re not likely to survive longer than twenty minutes unless your name is actually Jason Bourne, all characters are dispensable one dimensional drones who look and act like their predecessor, again diluting the realism and significance of the role characters play in the movies, which damages the franchises ability to build a world fans can truly dive into.

Perhaps if you like ridiculously silly car chase scenes that surpass the boundaries of reason, but you’re too heartbroken to watch old Paul Walker movies; you might get some guilt free kicks by fast forwarding through most of this movie.

Or if by chance you’ve never seen a movie where the good guy chases the bad guy down the wrong side of the motorway, narrowly avoiding oncoming traffic at full speed, you might consider this a poor film with average road rage compilations and a bonus Moby track at the end.
​
However if you love the Bourne franchise and want to protect its reputation in a violent pub fight in New York City some night, don’t watch a single minute of this movie, or you could get it on DVD with some popcorn and stay out of New York for the rest of your life, but that’s a choice you’re going to have to make. 

First of all ‘No’, just ‘No’ this is not a good movie. It’s an over the top farce which simply cashes in on a dusty franchise without building on the character, the insanity, or the cunning of Max Rockatansky.

The movie’s most interesting aspect is its opening where we get a taste of post apocalyptic life as Max is captured, inked and branded in a nightmarish city run by the evil lord Immortan Joe. The opening scenes feature mutations, deranged drug induced youths, fuel guzzling engines and a people enslaved by the control of water supply in a barren desert landscape.

What happens next is a very sandy two hour car chase, incorporating a desert storm of biblical proportions, a flame throwing guitar, victoria secret virgins, monster trucks, and various gangs which help give pursuit to the increasing escalation of nonsense.

The problem with the movie is that there is no realism, not that it hurts to be removed from reality in a science fiction movie, but what I mean is that the lead characters are indestructible despite several run ins with death throughout the movie. For the first twenty minutes Max is used as a Type O blood bag without so much as receiving a cookie, then he unflinchingly partakes in two hours of truck driving combat. There is no connection to Max or to the female lead Furiosa, we don’t know their motives, how they’ve both wound up at the citadel, where they’re going, how they intend to survive, and worse is that we don’t feel any empathy for them despite the severe lacerations they receive throughout. Ultimately the characters are sub material to a movie that concentrates on being loud and jam packed with adolescent fantasy. Although the landscape is vast the movie has no depth. There is no tension in the fight scenes, car chases truck, some meaningless extra gets killed, truck gets speared, car blows up, repeat for two hours, charge ten bucks a head, release to DVD.

For me the film fails to fire from both barrels, it’s more of a ‘Max and his moths’ kinda movie than the rage filled road warrior epic I was expecting. My only advice is if you go to see Fury Road don’t be afraid to walk, it never gets better, and don’t be fooled into thinking it’s nearly over, it’s not. Just get up off your seat, don’t apologise to the idiot beside you, kick them if you must, shout abuse if appropriate, just do whatever it takes to make your way to the green exit sign and go.