As I burrowed through Wikipedia I discovered that Bahnsen once said "man is merely a nothing with self awareness", and so began my Covid existential crisis, in what was otherwise an unimaginable period of feriation.

In that very moment I received a notification on my Twitter feed which said "We are the virus". I don't know if I had a mild panic attack when I realised the truth in this or if instead I had Corona light and nearly died. Either way I'm not likely to see a doctor until 2025.

What's happening right now is one of the strangest events in human history and yet it seems hyper normal. In the old days people saw pestilence as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse but our generation has taken it as an opportunity to complete Tik Tok, Netflix, and Candy Crush. I've a cousin who's spent the last two weeks categorising his favourite dance acts from America's Got Talent.

So at a time like this when our grandparents would have been worrying about poverty, food shortages, and inevitable death we're more concerned about when the pubs will be re-opening and what's coming up next on daytime tv. Either through middle class complacency or the optimism of modern life we're perfectly content to wait Covid out.

Yes indeed, the end is far from nigh despite a worldwide pandemic gripping every nation on earth. In what could have been an anarchist's wet dream, we have instead developed a global staycation that's allowed people to discover vodka cheese, tonic wine, and the female eunuch.

Despite this all of our lives are changing right now as a result of international self isolation. I for one have taken to watching You Tube tutorials on how to cut my own hair, and I doubt I'll be paying for a haircut ever again. I can see a future without hair salons and cornershop barbers. There will be many more changes I'm sure, from the way we shop to the way we work, to the way we death stare someone who coughs in our general direction.

At the end of all this many of us will be able to say that instead of thinking about death, Covid 19 brought us a new way of thinking about life. Whether that means you're using zoom to connect with loved ones, talking to Jesus, or recycling your milk cartons, it doesn't really matter. The outcome is that you stopped to smell the roses and thought about your life for thirty seconds. Maybe someone will discover its meaning.

The Taoiseach's "Come Together, By Staying Apart, Over Me" speech really divided the country. Half the people I talk to say they had an emotional response, they like Fine Gael, and they've taken to watch mass on RTE daily now. The other half are angry that it did nothing to protect DIY shops, that it never mentioned Mary Lou, and that we should be sacrificing more children to appease the Covid.

Meanwhile life is changing all around us, supermarkets have dedicated granny times, we're excited about moratoriums, frightened by the surge, and everytime we use the toilet we end up singing champagne soapernova to ourselves.

The Corona Virus has shown us that the whole world can come together to solve problems, which is handy to know in case there's ever an alien invasion. However it does make you wonder why we've been fucking about with climate change for so long. It's also a reminder of just how connected we are to one another, the world got a demonstration of just how skiing in Ischgl can effect the homeless on the streets of London.

Corona has held up a spotlight on humanity, the most unfortunate are affected by Corona and with no way of protecting themselves the virus has possibly spread further than it should. At a time when we should be learning about global inequality we're probably going to hear more about the share price of Facebook.

It's also very possible that we'll see big changes in Ireland, Paddy's Day moved to September, pasta stockpiles will replace the potato, and people will gradually return to work, to do the thing they hated most a few weeks ago. However the threat of a three year recession is looming in the air and it's hard to know what we'll do if it happens. It's true that the Irish are born to immigrate but there might be no where to go if the whole world has Covid, so this time we'll all be staying on with nothing to do. I can't say what will happen then but we'll probably win the world cup, the Eurovision, and get the six counties back.

The fast paced spread of the coronavirus if nothing else proves just how possible the zombie apocalypse really is. On the plus side Ireland is now 99.9% bacteria free thanks to a nationwide cleaning frenzy known as the great Detol detox, which keeps us free from Salmonella but won’t do anything to stop the T-Virus.

How ready is Ireland for an extinction event you might ask? Well prevention is the best cure which might explain why my local shop is completely out of hand sanitizer, bacteria wipes, rectal thermometers, baked beans, and soft tissues....but then again it’s like that approaching every St Patrick's day these days.

The other thing you can do to prepare is to cancel your holiday plans to Iran, South Korea, and/or Italy. In fact there has never been a better time to book a vacation to Rathaspeck, the only town in the western world which is guaranteed corona free and guaranteed to remain corona free until at least COVID-94.

The other thing you can do is to take time off work, it’s recommended you take two weeks in self isolation. You’ll need this time to binge watch Bear Grylls Man Vs Wild to learn how to survive. Finally a socially acceptable reason to butcher your neighbour’s cat I hear you think, technically this is still against the law but there’s nothing stopping you from practicing to catch it and its people like you the future needs.

The final thing you need to do is to contact those mostly at risk to the virus. If you have any elderly relatives, friends with heart conditions, or young children now is the time to reach out and say your goodbyes, there’s no point waiting till they’re gone. Or if you fall into one of those categories maybe you can make one of those posthumous videos asking people not to panic, but for the love of god don’t be complacent, the death virus will get you all.