The Taoiseach's "Come Together, By Staying Apart, Over Me" speech really divided the country. Half the people I talk to say they had an emotional response, they like Fine Gael, and they've taken to watch mass on RTE daily now. The other half are angry that it did nothing to protect DIY shops, that it never mentioned Mary Lou, and that we should be sacrificing more children to appease the Covid.

Meanwhile life is changing all around us, supermarkets have dedicated granny times, we're excited about moratoriums, frightened by the surge, and everytime we use the toilet we end up singing champagne soapernova to ourselves.

The Corona Virus has shown us that the whole world can come together to solve problems, which is handy to know in case there's ever an alien invasion. However it does make you wonder why we've been fucking about with climate change for so long. It's also a reminder of just how connected we are to one another, the world got a demonstration of just how skiing in Ischgl can effect the homeless on the streets of London.

Corona has held up a spotlight on humanity, the most unfortunate are affected by Corona and with no way of protecting themselves the virus has possibly spread further than it should. At a time when we should be learning about global inequality we're probably going to hear more about the share price of Facebook.

It's also very possible that we'll see big changes in Ireland, Paddy's Day moved to September, pasta stockpiles will replace the potato, and people will gradually return to work, to do the thing they hated most a few weeks ago. However the threat of a three year recession is looming in the air and it's hard to know what we'll do if it happens. It's true that the Irish are born to immigrate but there might be no where to go if the whole world has Covid, so this time we'll all be staying on with nothing to do. I can't say what will happen then but we'll probably win the world cup, the Eurovision, and get the six counties back.

The fast paced spread of the coronavirus if nothing else proves just how possible the zombie apocalypse really is. On the plus side Ireland is now 99.9% bacteria free thanks to a nationwide cleaning frenzy known as the great Detol detox, which keeps us free from Salmonella but won’t do anything to stop the T-Virus.

How ready is Ireland for an extinction event you might ask? Well prevention is the best cure which might explain why my local shop is completely out of hand sanitizer, bacteria wipes, rectal thermometers, baked beans, and soft tissues....but then again it’s like that approaching every St Patrick's day these days.

The other thing you can do to prepare is to cancel your holiday plans to Iran, South Korea, and/or Italy. In fact there has never been a better time to book a vacation to Rathaspeck, the only town in the western world which is guaranteed corona free and guaranteed to remain corona free until at least COVID-94.

The other thing you can do is to take time off work, it’s recommended you take two weeks in self isolation. You’ll need this time to binge watch Bear Grylls Man Vs Wild to learn how to survive. Finally a socially acceptable reason to butcher your neighbour’s cat I hear you think, technically this is still against the law but there’s nothing stopping you from practicing to catch it and its people like you the future needs.

The final thing you need to do is to contact those mostly at risk to the virus. If you have any elderly relatives, friends with heart conditions, or young children now is the time to reach out and say your goodbyes, there’s no point waiting till they’re gone. Or if you fall into one of those categories maybe you can make one of those posthumous videos asking people not to panic, but for the love of god don’t be complacent, the death virus will get you all.