Pubdemic

Finally some of Ireland's best loved shebeens are set to put an end to the pubdemic by opening their doors early, but its not all rosy in the beer garden as opening ahead of schedule comes with some tight restrictions:

• All bar stools will be removed from their beloved location in front of the taps
• No smoking inside or outside the premises
• Under no circumstances is anyone allowed call one for the road
• No jerseys, no tinder, no dancing
• Lock ins must have a garda permit
• Soup of the day will be oxtail on all menus  
• The forever Taoiseach's Broadcasts are to be played on loop on all screens
• Doors close at 3pm Fridays.

Drinking games are to be replaced with philosophical chats such as would you rather be a landlord or have Covid 19?

Where in depth knowledge, of what some people consider the most over rated pandemic of the century is not necessarily required, it is beneficial to have some opinions to contribute towards pub talk, such as;

"I hear China didn’t even have it at all now, it was mumps they had, America had it first"
"That Tom Hanks fella was faking it"
"I know care homes are high risk but we’re hardly going to let them out in public now"

There will also be covid restrictions on some pub games;

• Only red pool balls on the pool table. One player at a time, you must bring your own pool queue
• One dart throw per person
• Poker players must be willing to lose everything they own or not play at all 

As there are no tourists around this year half pints of Guinness will no longer be sold. Regular pints of Guinness must be drank in three sups, no more, no less. If sups are evenly spaced out they may be followed by a small one to honour the status of a real pint drinker.